Meh.

Go out? Meh. Facebook? Scroll, scroll, meh. Twitter? scroll, hmm, meh. YouTube? Naah. Books? Hmm… not anything new. Lord of the Rings? Meh. Jeeves? Meh. Food? Meh. Wait, now this is bad. When I’m indifferent to the thought of food, I know I’m in a really bad mood. Rather, I’m grumpy; causelessly, needlessly grumpy, to tell the absolute truth.

There’s no real reason, just a series of small (and sometimes big) annoyances that keep adding up throughout the day, or the preceding days and/or weeks. Why do I let them add up? These things seem small enough to let go of at that time, only I subconsciously haven’t. And they build up to such an extent that I’m angry at the universe, or worse, in an apathetic funk, like “Who the hell cares, I don’t”.

Today seems like one of the latter. The “angry at the universe” mood is easier to get out of, I just have to read a funny book or article, or just go out and see how beautiful the world is, and I’m sorted out until the next time. Apathy is harder to deal with, for my friends especially. I’ll just be a blob on the couch until someone manages to move me into a car, then I’ll be a blob in the back seat. It’s amazing that I have any friends at all. Maybe it’s the challenge.

Oh great, now the phone’s ringing. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, so I turn off the ringer and reject the call with a message saying that I’ll call back. Nothing and no-one will lure me out of my pajamas tonight. Or this mood, apparently. So I write, about whatever is going on in my head. After venting out on paper for about an hour or so, I’m burnt out. While I was inflicting my woes on the unsuspecting paper, things that were truly trivial stood out as such; and now everything doesn't look so bleak and unworthy of any notice at all.

Now I’m hungry, and so I’ll make myself some nice spaghetti (I have only a few tomatoes in my fridge) and settle down with Wodehouse. Tomorrow will find me ready to take life head on, until an evening like this. Then, writing will come to my rescue again; because no matter how much my friends love and support me, they don’t deserve a grouch so very often.

Why I write

I've been asked why I write a few times in the past few weeks, ever since it has come to people's attention that I have been posting on my blog regularly of late. It took me aback a little because I had never stopped to consider that question. "I write because I want to" would be my instinctive answer, but it wouldn't make much sense because the fundamental question would still remain unanswered -- What makes me want to write?

I really didn't know. I've never actually thought about why I like to write, why I want to write; I just do the actual writing -- it's very visceral. I sometimes have to push myself to write, but that's just to overcome my innate laziness to do anything at all. I was also surprised that I didn't know and hadn't ever examined my motives behind writing.

So I sat and thought about it. Several cups of coffee later, this is what I had:

I write because I've always loved reading, ever since I can remember; and I want to give that pleasure to others, or at least try. When I write, sometimes I feel that I'm part of something bigger; the endless flow of words and thoughts that makes humans separate from all other life on earth. When I write funny things (or things that I intend to be funny) I may not be as good as Wodehouse, but if I get a smile from at least one person, that's great. My writing, floating around on the internet, made someone's face light up for a moment; how amazing is that?

My mother read a post of mine last week. She said, "This feels like you want to say something and point out about stuff". I told her that was the whole idea. I do write to make a point, to express my opinion on things. To me it's not enough to discuss some things among friends or at a social gathering. Those words are fleeting, ephemeral; they usually have no impact beyond "I guess that's true" and a change of topic. Expressing my opinions in writing gives me a chance to craft my thoughts into some semblance of order, and gets people to pay a bit more attention than when they're checking their Whatsapp during conversations. A reader may not get to the end of everything I write, but when they do, they will have absorbed what I had to say, processed it, and formed an opinion -- whether to agree or disagree with me, but that's another story. The important thing is, reading requires more attention and focus than a random conversation. "Words are wind" most of the time; writing has more permanence.

I write because I have a lot to say sometimes, a story I want to tell; and I don't want to keep that to myself, or within the circle of my immediate friends and acquaintances. I want what I say to have a wider reach. I want my thoughts to touch the minds of those who don't love everything I say by default, even though they do disagree sometimes. I want unbiased readers who don't know me, so they can express their opinions about my writing without fear of hurting my feelings. I want my stories to take wing, and reach far-off places where I've never set foot. I write because it is therapeutic sometimes to pen down my angst or sorrow in a cathartic flow of writing. It might be utterly ridiculous when I read it later, which is why most of those don't end up out on my blog (or anywhere else except in my notebook); unless it's so ridiculous that it's really funny. The fact remains, however, that writing helps me put my feelings in perspective and make sense of things.

In the end, I write because I want to. 

The reason behind the want may be different every time, and I may or may not choose to make it public. But the want, the urge, remains the same; and that is what makes me write, in the end.

Marshak From Moscow

My brother wanted something to read, so I was mucking around in my old bookshelf. It hadn't been touched since I moved out from my home town. I was feeling lazy and grumpy, but my not-so-little-anymore brother insisted, and so I looked through all my old books to see if there was anything that he'd like. My search yielded a few books for him; and an old treasure for me.

I found one of my very first books, a nice little illustrated one, published in Russia, no less; about an old lady and her mischievous dog. It had my name written twice on the cover in my just-learnt handwriting, along with the class I was in -- I(B), or, first grade. There was also a message -- "Congratulations & blessings to Chy. Lalitha from Dr. Ramanamma". 'Chy.' Is short for 'Chiranjeevi', it means " one who lives forever". It's a commonly used title when referring to kids, basically it means that the one who's referring to you like this wants you to live a long and happy life. Dr. Ramanamma is one of my mother's very dear friends. She's a wonderful lady, and always told the most interesting and funny stories. Her children, though much older than me, were always ready to play with me whenever I visited. It was on one of these visits that Aunty gave me this book.

I'd forgotten most of the words, but the pictures were still fresh in my mind as I leafed through this thin little book. I remembered the grey dog, and how I felt drawn to it because of our own black dog that we'd had since before I was born. I remembered how carefree I was, how innocent and pure those days were.   I remembered a lot of other things that made my childhood magical, not least, our dog, Chinna. I still miss him, after all these years.

I showed the book to my mother and brother, which led to more reminiscing by my mother of how mischievous I used to be, and how at the end of the day she'd settle down with a book and I'd cuddle up to her with my own little book about the old lady and her grey dog. Maybe that's when I started loving books, when I could barely read but loved the feel of the book in my hands, and looking at the pictures the words made. The feeling that I was holding something made all the way away in Moscow added to that sense of wonder.

I hope I can hold on to that.

The story of a pillion ride

I've always had a fascination for Bullets. They're stately, they have a certain air -- they reek of confidence, bravado even; they're masculine, they have an old-world charisma that newfangled big bad super-bikes can never hope to achieve. Most importantly, Royal Enfield Bullets (the older ones anyway) produce the most melodic of thumps. I don't know how to ride motorbikes, but I've always wanted to at least ride pillion on a Bullet.

Finally, a few days ago, I got my wish (or daydream, rather). A friend invited me over to visit, so off I went, for a mini-vacation in the middle of my three-week idyll away from my day job. He had recently got hold of an old Bullet. We revisited old haunts and discovered how they still held a special place in our hearts. And of course, since we had access to the only genuine Indian touring motorcycle, we had to go on a ride.

We planned to go to Digha, a little sea-side place in West Bengal. It was a 105 kilometres away, and we took three and a half hours to cover the distance. We didn't want to go too fast, you see. The ride was more important than the destination, and the feel of the ride more important than the speed. There's nothing better than sitting on the pillion of such a bike, with a good friend. The landscape unfolds on either side, the dust of the town is blown away by the clean air of the countryside, and both of you lapse into a comfortable silence, unbroken except for an occasional comment or exclamation. Talking seems irrelevant here, maybe even a little irreverent.

The rice fields were a green carpet, with a few lotus ponds here and there. Bengal is truly beautiful in the monsoons, especially when the sun comes out for a day or two in the middle and it's as if everything is newly minted. The leaves are at their greenest, the air is washed clean of floating dust, the ducks swim in their usual ponds, and the cows and calves wander onto the roads once more.

Talking seemed irrelevant and irreverent here.

It was almost mid-day by the time we reached Digha, with the sun beating down on us. The sea was breathtaking, as usual. The beach is separated from the town by a promenade. Nothing very fancy, but it serves to keep the beach area relatively free from the noise and bustle of the main roads. The result is that the sound of the sea is not drowned out by vehicles. The sea can really speak to you here, if you only sit and listen.

I felt at peace there, with the sea stretching out into the horizon, the waves breaking on the shore, and the only other people little dots where the surf met the sand. All the fatigue and heat seemed beside the point. We were there, with the Bullet in the foreground, and the sand and the sea beyond. We'd have to leave early the next day, but that was beside the point. The journey had led to a destination. Going back would be another journey to look forward to, another ride.

The "Bull"

Type your title here. If only it were that easy.

Okay, so I've finished writing a post, or an article, or an essay, or whatever. It feels great. I go back to the beginning and proof-read, tweak a few sentences here and there, and move some words or even sentences around. I search for the perfect picture to go with the text, if I want to use a picture in that piece. That usually doesn't take too much effort. Then, when I'm ready to post/publish it, there's a big empty field on top, waiting for the title. Waiting, in fact, to hold the name of my creation.

I type in whatever comes to mind at first. It sucks. I alter it a little and cut down some words to make it short and catchy. It sucks even more. I erase it all and type in another idea. Alright, maybe it's not so bad after all. Then I read the first sentence of the main text and realize that this new title doesn't fit what I've written very well.

I sigh and give it another go. I read the entire thing again and try to summarize it in a single phrase. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. When it does work, I'm ecstatic. The piece is really complete now. People will read the title and know what I want to say. Hopefully, they'll want to read more than just the phrase that summarizes the piece.

When even this doesn't work, I usually get quite frustrated. I save the draft even though it has already been auto-saved that very second, and log out. I take some time off from what I've written. I work on something else, or make some coffee and take a break. After a while, the unnamed piece (languishing under the bastard "Untitled" tag) starts tugging at me again. I start thinking about what I wrote, and what kind of title would make me want to read that kind of thing if someone else had written it. Now the rusty cogs of my ability to make up titles creak a little.

There will invariably be a few more misfired attempts, but I soldier on. I come up with the lamest, cheesiest titles, type them in just for the heck of it, and erase them again. This is a great stress-buster for me (well, I have come up with a few title ideas, bad as they may be) and gets me really going. I think up funny titles which will hopefully make people laugh and want to read the rest of it. When that isn't really a good idea because the subject matter or the tone of the piece is serious, I try to come up with a hook -- something catchy, which is related to the text but isn't necessarily a 100% fit.

If all this fails, I go back to the first title I wrote out, and go with that. Let's face it, I'm not that great at titles, though sometimes I don't suck so much. Every time, I just have to try to suck a little less, and some day, I'll get there. Fingers crossed.

That moment when...

Some moments, when I look back, shine out. A few have the brittle brilliance of diamonds. Others have a gentle glow, like the light glimmering in a distant window in the dark. One or two, however, loom large and cast their light and shadow over all the rest.

These last moments came without a warning, when I had no expectations and no inkling that something out of the ordinary would happen. They came when I wasn't thinking at all, but going along with the day -- going with the flow, so to speak.

They may not look life-changing or even extraordinary to others, but to me, when I think of them, they are reminders of how sweet life is, and how it is best enjoyed when I let go and just be... They make me realize the importance of seizing the present and not wearing myself down with thoughts of what might have been and what may (or may not) come. They are complete in and of themselves, capsules unsullied by the sordidness of everyday drudgery. They remind me to not hold on too tightly, because only when one moment ends, can another happen.

Taking the plunge

"What the hell am I doing here? Why did I even think I could do this? Oh my God I can feel the wind on the soles of my feet through the grating.. Oh nooo..." These were the kind of thoughts racing through my mind as I was being prepared for my very first (and till date, only) bungee jump.

I went from Hyderabad in Central India all the way to Rishikesh in the foothills of the Himalayas, just for this. Well, not quite. There was also another jump (a canyon swing) and white water rafting on the Ganga. We were a bunch of adventure enthusiasts, and I was the only girl in the group. After braving a 21 hour journey by sleeper class train, we reached New Delhi, and another 6 hour drive took us to the campsite.

There was thankfully enough time for a nap, after which we all got ready for the day and explored the camp a little. It was breath-takingly beautiful. There were rows of tents on a sand embankment, and beyond them was the river, on the other side of which loomed a hill. There were mountains all around, and the river meandered through them on its way to the plains. It was a bit of a hike to reach the road where the vehicle was parked, but none of us minded.

The road to the "jump site" wound through the same Shivalik range. We caught sight of the jump platform first -- a yellow metal rigged structure with a bridge to the actual platform from where we would jump. That was the first time I realised I would jump from the road level to the valley far, far below. 82 feet doesn't sound so very scary on paper, but looking at it made me so afraid I almost turned back then and there.

The others were also a little scared under their bravado, so I knew I wasn't alone. We filled out a form absolving Jumpin Heights (the company taking care of the whole bungee setup) of blame should anything happen to us.

And then, we walked to the platform. We were there. This was the whole point of the journey -- the jump. The staff were all quite calm (of course!) and friendly, and tried to put everyone at ease. Then when it was my turn to be harnessed, they said I couldn't jump in my shoes, because the hooks for the laces could scratch the bungee cord. The floor of the platform was actually a metal grate sort of thing.

Taking off the shoes and feeling the wind tickle my soles through the grating was terrifying. I had come all this way to find out if I had it in me to take the plunge. The knowledge that my feet were firmly harnessed to the bungee cord didn't help much. The rational part of my brain must have fled long ago. It was time. They led me to the edge, until my feet were half in the air. I could feel the edge of the platform pressing into my instep. I almost turned back there. Then I looked straight ahead. The jump master, an awesome lady from the Netherlands, tried to calm me down. I told her to give me the count right then, because I felt reason and courage both slipping away. I knew that the longer I stood there, the more scared I would feel, and in the end I might not jump at all.

I think she understood. I heard the count , "One, two, three.. BUNGEEE!". And I jumped. For the first few milliseconds, I was sure I was going to hit the ground and get my brains splattered all over the valley floor. But I didn't, of course. The adrenaline kicked in, and then the bungee cord pulled me upwards again. It was an amazing moment, with the blood rushing to my head and the landscape (oh, wait, that was me actually) bouncing up and down.

In that split second before the jump, at the edge, I really didn't know if I was going to actually take the plunge. Then, when I heard "BUNGEEE!" I decided I'd come too far along to give up at the last moment. I told myself there was no going back from here, only down. And then I was falling. And flying, and falling again. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

The whole experience taught me that whenever I felt scared, or that I couldn't do something, I just had to take one step forward, into the unknown. There's no way anyone can predict the outcome of their effort with absolute certainty. The thing is to push ahead, regardless.

But you're a vegetarian!

Almost every (non-vegetarian) person I meet seems to think that a vegetarian foodie is something of a paradox. But I'm here, I'm vegetarian, and I love food. Get over it, meat-eaters. I'm not judging you, so don’t judge me.

You might say, “But what’s there in vegetarian food for you to love?” I say, lots. And I have never eaten kale or quinoa (or tofu, for that matter) so I know what I'm talking about. Where do I get my protein from? Well, lentils, milk and soya. Don’t I miss out on the exquisite taste? No, I've never tasted meat, thanks to my upbringing. And now I don’t want to, by choice.

That doesn't mean I don’t love and adore food. I eat out a lot, and living in a country where there’s a significant presence of vegetarianism (both full-time and part-time) in the culture, helps. Being a vegetarian is respected, but with a little pity added to the mixture. A sort of “Oh you poor thing, you can’t have real food”. So all vegetables and fruit are imaginary, you say? Interesting. In that case, I'm living on air. Air shouldn't make me put on weight. Ergo, my being overweight is also a figment of your imagination. Go away and pester someone who does eat “real” food to workout.

“Not even eggs? But eggs are vegetarian!” Is another common refrain. Eggs may be vegetarian in some people’s books, but not in mine. There’s no need to get belligerent and quote famous people at me, it won’t work.

I honestly don’t understand why being a vegetarian should define me. It’s not all that I am. And it certainly shouldn't let people belittle my foodie status. The Oxford Dictionary defines a foodie as “a person with a particular interest in food”, i.e. I'm a foodie according to this definition. Food includes vegetables and such like, the last time I checked.

So to all of you who say (or think) I can’t be both vegetarian and a foodie, try eating only meat and animal products for a week. No herbs allowed, because they’re of vegetable origin. No pepper either, for obvious reasons. And then we’ll talk.

Bon appetit!

Memory Lane, with a few twists and turns.

I came across an old journal of mine today. (No, I don’t keep journals any more. I blog, to your eternal annoyance.) It moved me to tears. Not because the writing was so good, but because it was so earnest. It was me, writing my heart out about my innermost feelings and deepest thoughts.

They might seem like typical teenage troubles, and they were. But the sincerity and the vulnerability were what moved me, the cynical grown-up person who thinks she can take on the world.

In the end, that’s what matters about great writing — that it comes from the heart. That it has a modicum of sincerity and genuineness, an innocence of sorts sometimes. A good book draws a reader into itself with this quality. I guess even a truly cynical book would work, if it were sincere enough in its cynicism.

This applies to fiction too, of course. Would you read something the author didn't believe in when they wrote it? I think not.That’s why Lord of The Rings works. That’s why Eragon works, even though it draws so heavily from LoTR that you wonder if there’s any point in counting points of similarity.

That is what any writer wants to do — to engage a reader so completely that they forget about the world they’re in, even if it’s for a second; to get their point across. To tell their story.

On a lighter note, I'm happy to report in my capacity as Grammar Nazi, that I crossed my ‘t’s and dotted my ‘i’s in that journal. I guess I was a bit of a stickler even as a quasi-rebellious teenager.

Well, that girl grew up. Has she changed for the better? Has she overcome her issues, at least some of them? How is she doing now?

Why, I'm doing very well, thank you.

(Yay! Crossed the one-week milestone well and good! That was something.)

Keep Calm and Write

I've been thinking for more than three hours about what to write today. Half-formed ideas flit around at the edge of my consciousness. Very tantalising, and I'm sure they’re all having fun, but I'm not. Will one of you ideas come here right now and take shape?

---------------

It’s half an hour later. Those ideas seem to have gone off, formed a union, and started a strike of sorts. I feel a writer’s block coming on. This is just what I wanted to address when I started this project. I wanted to sit down, focus, and write. Sitting down, check. Focus, trying. Writing, well yes, if this counts.

You know what, I won’t give up on this. I set out to write every day. And I will. Even if it means writing about how I can’t seem to put anything down in writing. Maybe it’s because I didn't go out in two days. Maybe because I've been thinking too much of things there’s no point thinking about. But there are so many things to write about irrespective of that.

Maybe that’s why. There are a lot of things I want to write about. That’s why no single idea is coming into focus right now. Until today, I've been pretty clear about what I want to write about that particular day. It’s only today that I actually thought, “Hey, what am I going to write about today?”

All right, now that I know the problem, I'm going to make a list of things I want to write about, and focus on one of them at a time, instead of vaguely wondering about what to write.

And look! I did write today. I did accomplish something. And I learnt something too. Not bad for a listless grumpy binge-eating kind of day.

What Came After The Sigh Yesterday

Yesterday’s post got me thinking. How did that guy end up being a team lead? And a technical one at that? For those not familiar with the terminology, a technical team lead in the IT (or IT services) industry is supposed to be someone who can not only manage the team and interface with the project, other teams and/or the clients; but can also contribute to the team at a technical level, specifically, coding.

What does it say about the IT sector in India, if this sort of role is filled by someone who can’t even grasp a simple concept after working on it and even contributing to the code, for many months? Granted, most of the business the Indian IT giants do comes from volume and not technological brilliance. But the trend is disturbing. Incompetence actually seems rewarded. Perhaps the only competence such people have is in scraping by and holding on to their jobs.

How do they manage to do that? For one thing, they lean on peers and subordinates to do their work. They need the team members to tell them what to put in an email, and how to phrase it so the client can understand.

The manager above them steps in and manages crisis situations, and the blame usually falls on some poor scapegoat, when 90% of the time the crisis is because of bad people and/or time management, and bad communication. Day to day work in the team goes on because there is usually someone or some people in the team who actually knows what needs to be done and does it. This someone is the actual leader who gets things done, and unfortunately, is usually the one who is blamed when things go wrong. Why? Because this person is earnest and hard-working, and went beyond what was required because of his/her work ethic.

There are, of course, tremendously talented and competent individuals in these kinds of roles, but in general they are found few and far between. Usually it’s people like this guy, who basically just take updates from their team and present it as the result of their management prowess during project update meetings. Well I guess this is why they still have their jobs. Project-level managers are usually people who rose from managing teams to managing projects, so they are mostly the same kind of people. It’s all very clique-y really.

Which brings me to the main issue here, namely, what kind of effect is all this having on the global perception of these companies. The clients obviously feel that these companies can’t be relied upon to do any original work. So most of the projects are maintenance, where one line of code change goes through multiple rounds of review and reams of red tape buries any spark of creativity, brilliance or even productivity after a while. Even when there is design work involved, most of the time the control is with the client. There is very little independent design ongoing, compared to the sheer volume of business coming in from maintenance.

It also perpetuates stereotypes — that of the tongue-tied drone who can only does as he/she is told and has no original thoughts or opinions. That of the boorish semi-educated idiot who can hardly string a sentence together, and certainly cannot grasp even simple concepts. There is an urgent need to recognise that a problem exists here, and start a dialogue to address it.

People should have the minimum competence required to do their job without having to take credit for others’ effort.

There are a lot of things wrong with this sector. Glass ceilings, gender discrimination, juniors in the team working hours only a slave would work in other times and places, etc. But if people who know how to do their jobs are in control of teams, the lives of team members will definitely improve, and with that, a gradual improvement can and will take place in other areas too.

About Me. Well, What?

I did something really difficult today. I wrote an introduction about myself (in third person, no less!) to put on a website for which I'm doing the content. The first version was as flavourful as the best cardboard money can buy. The second was a paean of praise that made me embarrassed even to proof-read it.

I ultimately churned out something mid-way between both the first drafts, and it got me wondering. What exactly made it so difficult? Am I really so uncomfortable talking to myself? Or is it something else? And then it struck me. It was the need for brevity. The introduction I had to write was to be no more than a short paragraph of three or four sentences, and it also had to have a little about what inspires me.

I had to decide what to put in it. I had to glean a few aspects of myself and my entire life, select some, and put it all in a few sentences. I had to decide one or a maximum of two things/people which/who inspire me. That decision was the tough part. Should I write about the lazy person who simply does not want to wake up in the morning but stays up all night immersed in a book? (Lord of The Rings, un-put-down-able, I tell you.) About the girl who waxes eloquent about the spirals of steam rising from her morning cuppa, or the cynic who thinks the universe is out to bite everyone in the ass? About the ace procrastinator or the “now or never” person who gets things done? I am both. At different times, in different moods, of course. But both are integral parts of who I am.

And the part about what inspires me. I am a creature of the moment, of the present mood. I have a really tough time answering questions about my favourite song or cinema or book. I have many, I simply cannot name one. Each one speaks to me differently and has a different kind of appeal, depending on my mood. I had to choose from millions of things and moments and people, to write about one that inspires me the most.

I ended up choosing the sea, and P.G. Wodehouse. The sea, because the sight of the ocean always calms me down and reminds me that I am just part of a much larger whole. The sea is ever-changing, yet it endures. And Wodehouse, because nothing lifts my blackest moods better than some Wooster sauce with a side of Jeeves. Wodehouse churned out some of the best, funniest, wittiest prose the world has ever seen. He did it effortlessly. And you just bask in its glow. Reading Wodehouse reminds me that there’s a lighter side to life, and you can find it if you look at it the right way.

So until tomorrow, cheerio and pip pip! What?